Alex's Random Stories

Here is a link that provides insight into my son's reputed mind.

On Death and Dying

This is another web classic. It describes the process of "normal" death in detail. I have personally known several people who have died and each of them followed this process exactly. Knowing this process made it all much easier for those of us remaining.


We have no choice in the matter of death, but we do have a choice as to what to learn about death. The dying process is one that must be experienced individually. Usually the act of dying, like that of giving birth, is a process requiring some assistance. Every death is a touching love story, a unique and special drama, just as each birth is. We know that the process of dying begins at birth, yet talk about death in our society is taboo. My process of dying begins when I learn I am dying. For you, my dying process begins when you learn I am dying. These two times may not be the same.

Dying refers to the process of coming to an end of life, while death refers to the event ending physical life on earth. Attitudes and concepts about death and dying vary greatly. Most of the fear experienced is of the unknown. Observing the process of a person dying is extremely difficult for loved ones. Most people do not usually just stop breathing. It is often a slow, lingering, unwinding process. With education and open discussion about the events that will occur, most fear can be alleviated. Sometimes "active dying" occurs over a period of hours or days. Even when the person displays many of the signs, it is difficult to predict the amount of time before death will occur. Some people will experience some of the symptoms we will discuss and then for some unexplained reason their condition may begin to improve a little. These rollercoaster changes can be emotionally and physically exhausting for the caregivers Your Hospice team hopes to support you and make this time less distressing.

When a person enters the final stage of the dying process, several factors are at work that are closely related. A peaceful death can be achieved when there is cohesion within and among the personal and social spheres of being, even though there is a progressive deterioration of the physical sphere. In the physical sphere, the body begins the final process of shutting down, which will end when all the physical systems cease to function. Usually, this is an orderly and undramatic sequence of events that are not medical emergencies. These physical changes are a normal, natural way in which the body prepares itself to stop.

There is not only a physical side of the dying process but also a personal and social side, which is a different kind of process. The "spirit" of the dying person begins the final process of releases from the body, its immediate environment and all attachments and connections. This release from the body has its own priorities, which include the resolution of whatever is unfinished, reconciliation of close relationships and reception of permission to "let go" from family members. These events are the normal natural way in which the spirit prepares to move from this existence into the next dimension.

When the body is ready and wanting to stop, but the person is still unresolved over some important issue or reconciled with some significant relationship, the person will tend to linger even though every uncomfortable or debilitated in order to finish whatever needs finishing. On the other hand, when a person is emotionally, spiritually and mentally resolved and ready for this release, but the body has not completed its final physical process, the person may continue to live until the physical shut down is complete.

Death occurs when the body completes its natural process of shutting down, and when the spirit completes its natural process of reconciling and finishing. Just as each person's life is unique, so is his or her death. Because of this, it is difficult to stage exactly what will happen in each situation but we can give you some common signs and symptoms of impending death which will help you to understand the things that may happen and how to respond. This is not the time to change the dying person, but the time to give full acceptance, support and comfort.

Normal Physical Signs And Symptoms With Appropriate Responses
* Your loved one may sleep more often and for longer periods of time and may become difficult to arouse. This normal change is due in part to changes in the metabolism of the body. Sit down with your loved one, hold his or her hand, do not shake or speak loudly but speak softly and naturally.

* Sensation, mobility and reflexes are first lost in the lower extremities, progressing to the upper extremities. As the dying process continues, the sense of touch is diminished yet the dying person can sense pressure. Touch the dying person gently but firmly, since extremely light stroking can be an irritant. Adapt routine care to decrease unnecessary manipulation of the person at this time.

* The sense of vision begins to fail. The person sees only what is nearby and always turns their head toward the light. Although bright, direct light is irritating, do not draw the shades and dim the lights. Instead the use of indirect light will increase the ability of the person to see. Family should sit near the head of the bed.

* The sense of hearing remains. Everyone who comes in contact with the person should talk in a clear, distinct voice, do not whisper. All should be informed that the person may be able to hear voices even when no longer capable of perceiving any other sensory stimuli. Sit near the head of the bed, touch your loved one, hold their hand and encourage everyone to continue talking to the person, even if they are not responsive, until death occurs. Save conversation about the person for other areas other than their room.

* The person may be confused about time, place and identity of the people present. Some of this is due to the decline in vision and hearing and may be in part due to increased sleeping as well as to the metabolism changes occurring. Have visitors identify themselves not "do you know who I am?" Speak softly, clearly and truthfully when you need to communicate something important to the person such as "it is time to take your medication," and explain the reason such as "so you won't begin to hurt. Do not use this method to manipulate the person to meet your needs.

* The person may begin to want little or no food or fluid. This means the body is conserving for other functions the energy that would be used to digest the food. Do not try to force food or drink into the person or try to use guilt to manipulate them into eating or drinking something. This will only make the person feel more uncomfortable. Small chips of ice, frozen Gatorade or juice may be refreshing to the mouth. Cover lips with chapstick, Vaseline or other protective coating. Avoid the drying effects of lemon and glycerin swabs. Remove any debris in the person's mouth by offering frequent peroxide and water rinses. (Dilute peroxide the patient's tolerance.) A cool moist wash cloth on the forehead may also increase physical comfort.

* urine output normally decreases due to the decreased fluid intake as well as a decrease in circulation through the kidneys. As weakness increases the person may lose control of urine and/or bowels as the muscles in that area begin to relax or atrophy. When this occurs, discuss with your Hospice nurse ways to protect the bed and to keep your loved one clean, dry and comfortable.

* Periods (seconds, minutes) of apnea (no breathing) of increasing duration may occur. These periods vary from 15-45 seconds but seem much longer to family members. Breathing may become noisy due to mucous collecting in the throat. Respiratory abnormalities may worsen. There may be periods of rapid respiration alternating with periods of no breathing (apnea). This is called "Cheyne-Strokes" respiration. It is very common and indicates a decrease in circulation to the internal organs. Elevating of the head of the bed 30-45 degrees may help bring comfort.

* You may hear sounds coming from the chest as though marbles were rolling around inside. This is a normal change and is due to the decrease in fluid intake and inability to cough up normal secretions. Suctioning usually only increases the secretions and causes sharp discomfort. Gently turn the person's head to the side and allow gravity to drain the secretions. You may also gently wipe the mouth with a moist cloth. The sound of congestion does not indicate the onset of severe or new pain.

* Peripheral circulation diminishes and extremities may become cold to the touch and the pulse will be harder to feel. There may be an increase in edema of the extremities at this time. The color of the skin may change also. A cool skin surface belies a rising internal body temperature. Sweating occurs as peripheral circulation falls with the most profuse perspiration on the upper parts of the body. Regardless of how cold the skin feels, most dying persons are not aware of feeling cold. Use light clothing and make sure there is fresh circulating air. Heavy blankets should be removed and the person should be covered with light sheets. It is not unusual for a person with cancer to have an elevated temperature even as high as 104 degrees F. as they draw closer to death. Do not become alarmed. Give Tylenol suppositories, use light clothing and cover and for comfort, you may use ice packs wrapped in clothes to the back of the neck, under the arms and at the groin.

* The person may make restless and repetitive motions. This often happens and is due partly to the decrease in oxygen circulation to the brain and to metabolism changes. Do not interfere with or try to restrain such motions. To have a claming effects, speak in a quiet natural way lightly massage the forehead, read to the person, or play some soothing music. In conscious persons, an interval of peace followed by restlessness that is not controlled by medication often signals soon-impending death.

Normal Emotional, Spiritual & Mental Signs

* Withdrawal. The person may seem unresponsive, withdraw or in a comatose-like stage. This may indicate preparation for release, a detaching from surroundings and relationships, and a beginning of "letting go." Just as you are losing someone you love, the person dying is in a process of losing everything and everyone they love, so it is only natural for them to be withdrawn. If the person is allowed to express sorrow, the stage of final acceptance will be easier. If the person is unresponsive, remember that hearing remains all the way to the end. Speak to your loved on in your normal tone of voice, identify yourself by name when you speak, hold their hand and say whatever you need to say that will help the person "let go."

* The person may speak or claim to have spoken to persons who have already died or to see or have seen places that are visible to you or accessible to them. This doesn't indicate a hallucination or drug reaction. Instead the person is beginning to detach from this life. Familiar people and place will make the transition less frightening. Do not contradict, explain away, belittle or argue about what the person claims to have seen or heard. Even though you cannot see or hear the things your loved one does, does not mean it is not real to them. Affirm their experience. They are normal and common. If they frighten your loved one, tell them that the experience is normal.

* Your loved one may perform repetitive, useless, restless tasks. They may indicate that something is still unresolved or unfinished and they are disturbed and can't let go. The hospice team may be able to help you identify what is happening and help discover a way for your loved one to find release from the tension or fear. Other things that may be helpful in calming the person include: recall a favorite place, favorite experience, read something comforting, play music and give assurance that is OK to let go.

* When they begin to want little or no food or fluids this may indicate that the person is ready for the final shutdown. You may help by giving them permission to let go whenever they are ready. At the same time, affirm their ongoing value to you and the good you have received from them.

* They may begin to want only a few certain people or just one person around. This is also a sign of preparation for release and an affirming from whom support is most needed in order to make the approaching transition. If you are not part of this "inner circle," at the end, it does not mean that you're not loved or are unimportant. Do not take it personally. It means you have already fulfilled your task with them and it is time for you to say goodbye. If you are part of the final "inner circle of support," the person needs your affirmation, support and permission.

* The person may make "out of character" statements, gestures or requests. This may indicate they are ready to say goodbye and are testing to see if you are ready to let go. Accept the moment. Kiss, hug, cry and say whatever you need to say.

* Giving permission to let go without making your loved on feel guilty for leaving or trying to keep them with you to meet your needs can be difficult. A dying person will try to hold one even though this brings prolonged discomfort, in order to make sure those who are left behind will be all right. Therefore, your ability to release your loved one from this concern and give them assurance that is all right to let go whenever they are ready is one of the greatest gifts you can give your loved one.

* It is time to say goodbye when the person is ready to die and you are able to let go. Saying goodbye is your final gift of love, it achieves closure and makes the final releases possible. It may be helpful to lay in bed with the person and hold them or to take their hand and say everything you need to say so that afterwards you never have to say to yourself, "Why didn't I say this or that to them?"

It may be as simple as saying, "I love you." It may include recounting favorite memories, places and activities you shared. It may include saying, "I'm sorry for whatever I contributed to any tensions or difficulties in our relationship." It may also include saying, "Thank you for..."

Tears are normal and natural part of saying goodbye. Tears do not need to be hidden from your loved one or apologized for. Tears express your love and help you to let go.

The Work Trap

Isn't it amazing that we all spend most of our productive hours working for a wage for someone else? This is called WAGE SLAVERY. It is really no different than if you were a slave in ancient Rome, especially if you think that you really need the job. Many of the slaves were given real authority and managed all of the business affairs of their master (boss). In return, many slaves lived like kings themselves. The only difference is that we have the legal right to change jobs if we don't like the one we have.
Of course, if you are nearing retirement, it can cost you many hundreds of thousands of dollars of net present value to change companies. Or if you cannot find a job because of a slowing/declining economy or if you cannot find an equivalent job due to the "reserve army of the unemployed." Why do we sell out like this? For more STUFF that just costs time and money to protect and maintain? For security? [I occasionally forget my ID badge and have to get a temporary badge. It is a moment of zen...we are all temporary, some more than others, only a few recognize it. How many people do you know identify completely with their job? When the job is gone, so is their identity.

31 Virtues To Pray For Your Children

1. Salvation. "Lord, let salvation spring up within my children, that they may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory" (Is. 45:8, 2 Tim. 2:10). 

2. Growth in grace. "I pray that my children may grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ" (2 Pet. 3:18). 

3. Love. "Grant, Lord, that my children may learn to live a life of love, through the Spirit who dwells in them" (Gal. 5:25, Eph. 5:2). 

4. Honesty and integrity. "May integrity and honesty be their virtue and their protection" (Ps. 25:21).

5. Self-control. "Father, help my children not to be like many others around them, but let them be alert and self-controlled in all they do" (1 Thess. 5:6). 

6. Love for God's Word. "May my children grow to find Your Word more precious than much pure gold and sweeter than honey from the comb" (Ps. 19:10).

7. Justice. "God, help my children to love justice as You do and act justly in all they do" (Ps. 11:7, Mic. 6:8). 

8. Mercy. "May my children always be merciful, just as their Father is merciful" (Lk. 6:36). 

9. Respect (for self, others, authority). "Father, grant that my children may show proper respect to everyone, as your Word commands" (1 Pet. 2:17). 

10. Biblical self-esteem. "Help my children develop a strong self-esteem that is rooted in the realization that they are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus" (Eph. 2:10). 

11. Faithfulness. "Let love and faithfulness never leave my children, but bind these twin virtues around their necks and write them on the tablet of their hearts" (Prov. 3:3). 

12. Courage. "May my children always be strong and courageous in their character and in their actions" (Dt. 31:6). 

13. Purity. "Create in them a pure heart, O God, and let that purity of heart be shown in their actions" (Ps. 51:10). 

14. Kindness. "Lord, may my children always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else" (1 Thess. 5:15). 15. Generosity. "Grant that my children may be generous and willing to share, and so lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age" (1 Tim. 6:18-19).

16. Peace-loving. "Father, let my children make every effort to do what leads to peace" (Rom. 14:19). 

17. Joy. "May my children be filled with the joy given by the Holy Spirit" (1 Thess. 1:6). 

18. Perseverance. "Lord, teach my children perseverance in all they do, and help them especially to run with perseverance the race marked out for them" (Heb. 12:1). 

19. Humility. "God, please cultivate in my children the ability to show true humility toward all" (Titus 3:2).

20. Compassion. "Lord, please clothe my children with the virtue of compassion" (Col. 3:12). 

21. Responsibility. "Grant that my children may learn responsibility, for each one should carry his own load" (Gal. 6:5). 

22. Contentment. "Father, teach my children the secret of being content in any and every situation, through Him who gives them strength" (Phil. 4:12-13).

23. Faith. "I pray that faith will find root and grow in my children's hearts, that by faith they may gain what has been promised to them" (Lk. 17:5-6, Heb. 11:1-40).

24. A servant's heart. "God, please help my children develop servants' hearts, that they may serve wholeheartedly, as if they were serving the Lord, not men" (Eph. 6:7). 

25. Hope. "May the God of hope grant that my children may overflow with hope and hopefulness by the power of the Holy Spirit" (Ro. 15:13). 

26. Willingness and ability to work. "Teach my children, Lord, to value work and to work at it with all their heart, as working for the Lord, not for men" (Col. 3:23). 

27. Passion for God. "Lord, please instill in my children a soul that 'followeth hard after thee' (Ps. 63:8, KJV), one that clings passionately to you." 

28. Self-discipline. "Father, I pray that my children may acquire a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair" (Prov. 1:3). 

29. Prayerfulness. "Grant, Lord, that my children's lives may be marked by prayerfulness, that they may learn to pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests" (Eph. 6:18). 

30. Gratitude. "Help my children to live lives that are always overflowing with thankfulness and always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" (Eph 5:20, Col. 2:7). 

31. A heart for missions. "Lord, please help my children to develop a desire to see your glory declared among the nations, your marvelous deeds among all peoples" (Ps. 96:3).

LOOSENING LIPS

The Art of the Interview

This is an old internet classic by:
Eric Nalder
Seattle Times
[The following is a set of guidelines for successful interviewing. The tips are obviously oriented towards news reporters, but I believe that they are useful universally. --Tom Glenn, SysOp, The TQM BBS.]

THE SET UP

RESEARCH: The best questions are informed questions. Whether you have five hours or five days, gather clippings and court records and talk to the subject's cohorts.

TACTICS: Make a tactical plan and discuss it with a friend or colleague. Whenever possible, I interview people close to the action, while they are actually doing whatever it is I am writing about. However, whistle-blowers and reluctant targets are best contacted at home. And if you arrange a lunch appointment you can force a person to spend at least an hour with you.

ORGANIZE: Write single-word clues on the flap of your notebook to remind you of issues you want to cover. Organize paperwork so you won't fumble with it as you talk. Begin with softball questions (i.e., a chronological life history), but prepare a comprehensive all-purpose question for cases where the door might slam in your face.

INNER INTERVIEWING: As a warm-up (maybe during your morning shower), imagine a successful interview. Reporters who don't believe they will get the interview or the information usually fail. As far as I'm concerned, no one should ever refuse to talk to me. It works.

THE OPENER -- The techniques of "inner interviewing" continue. Never approach your subject as though they seem menacing or likely to clam up. Appear innocent, friendly, unafraid and curious. If you are a hard-boiled, cynical reporter who talks out of the side of your mouth, you will need acting lessons.

PAY ATTENTION TO DETAIL: Inventory the room thoroughly and in an organized fashion. Look at the walls, read the top of the desk and study the lapel pin. You'll get clues and details for your story. Make notes on what you see.

LOOK FOR OTHER SOURCES: While at the interview, meet the secretary and the other co-workers and make note of details about them. This will come in handy as you turn them into sources.

RELUCTANT PEOPLE

KEEP IT GOING -- When the door is closing on your face, find common ground. "By the way, I notice you've got a poodle. I've got a poodle. Weird dogs. Just the other day . . ." As a person hangs up the phone, I quickly say I only want to explain what I am working on and they should at least know that. (They usually comment once they hear what I am doing). On one occasion I inadvertently repeated something that was inaccurate and a cop dragged out a report I wanted to see just so he could show me I was wrong. You've got to be quick, sincere, kind and courteous.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL -- Respond to the "I can't comment" by saying "You don't have to worry. Heck, you are just one of several people I've talked with. It's no big deal. Here's what I understand about the situation. Let's talk about this part a little bit . . . . (and then start talking about the information you want to confirm)." Notice that I avoid a debate over the reasons they don't want to talk with me. You'll lose that debate 9 times out of 10. Keep the conversation rolling.

SYMPATHY -- Respond to the "I'm afraid to comment" with a little sympathy and a lot of reassurance: "I understand your concern. These are tough times for your agency. But a lot of folks talk to me in situations like this, including people you work with. Let me at least cover a couple of things with you, it would help me a lot." Give glancing recognition to their concerns, but try to move right on to the point of the story.

PUBLIC OFFICIAL OR OTHER BIG SHOT -- Respond to the "no comment" from an "important" person or bureaucrat by saying: "You know, I feel bad about just putting a `no comment' in this story since the readers will think you are hiding something. Let's find a way to talk about this. Tell me about this, for instance . . . "

DOOR NO. 1, OR DOOR NO. 2? -- As a last ditch method with the reluctant public official or big shot, I say, "Look, whether you talk to me or not, I'm going to do a story on this. So you can have it one of two ways: Either I do a fair story that says that you refused to cooperate, or I do a fair story that has your point of view in it. Now which do you want?" They usually choose Door No. 2.

DETOURS -- If a person won't talk, go to others in his or her office or to associates. You will get more information, and by doing this you will loosen them up.

RATCHETING -- If a subject insists on talking "on background," take notes anyway. At the end of the interview, pick out a good quote in your notes that isn't too damning and say: "Now what about this thing you said here. Why can't you say that on the record?" If they agree to put that comment on the record, go to another one in your notes and say: "Well, if you can say that on the record, why can't you say this? And so on. I have gotten an entire notebook on the record this way. If they insist on anonymity, however, you must honor it.

ANONYMITY -- Don't accept information "on background" without a fight. Even if it means going back to them several times, try to convince people to go on the record. (Absolutely "off-the-record" information is useless, since you can't use it under any circumstance. Avoid it. It's a waste of time.)

FOR THE SAKE OF CLARITY -- There are cases where someone tells you part of a story and then balks, or you already know part of a story and can't get the rest. Try saying, "look, you've already told me this much (or, I already know this much). You had better tell me the rest. I mean, you don't want me to get it wrong, do you? For instance, what about this part here . . . (refer to something in your notes)."

PLAY LIKE YOU KNOW -- Ask the official WHY he fired the whistle-blower rather than asking WHETHER he did the deed. The question presumes you already know even if you don't have it confirmed. They'll start explaining rather than denying.

THE STATUE OF LIBERTY PLAY -- Emphasize that people are more believable when they put their name behind what they say. It's the American Way: A robust public debate.

LOST REPORTER -- It doesn't hurt to say you need the person's help. "Who is going to explain this to me if you don't?"

TRY AGAIN -- When the door is slammed in your face, try again a day or two later. People change their minds.

GETTING ALL THE GOODS

CHRONOLOGY -- Take the subject through his or her story chronologically. You will understand the tale better, and you will spot gaps in the timetable and logic.

HOW AND WHY -- When a person says something important, ask the key question: "How do you know that?" It sheds light on credibility, extracts more detail and is a door opener to other sources. Also, ask people why they do what they do, rather than just asking what they do.

SLOW MOTION -- When people reach the important part of a story, slow them down so you can get it in technicolor. Ask where they were standing, what they were doing, what they were wearing, what was the temperature and what were the noises around them? Then you and the interview subject will re-enter the scene and walk through it together. If this fails, tell them it is not working. "I'm trying, but I just can't picture it yet. What did it feel like?" This is how you get a story, not a bunch of facts.

TELEPHONE -- Ask people on the phone to describe their surroundings (the plaque on a man's wall became a key detail in one story, after I had independently verified what it said). Get people to tell their stories in three dimensions (see the "slow motion" advice above).

USE YOUR EARS -- We talk too much during interviews. Let the other person do the talking. After all, you can't quote yourself. And check your biases at the door; listen with an open mind.

GETTING THE CONFESSION: -- Ask the subject for the names of people who support him or her. Then ask for the names of people who would criticize. Then ask what those critics are likely to say. This will jar loose uncomfortable information and tips. Ask whether the person has ever been disciplined or fired on the job or in school, charged with or convicted of a crime, arrested for drunken driving, sued, testified in court, etc. Since all this stuff is on a record somewhere, people are reluctant to lie about it.

LIFE STORY -- Get the life story, even in cases where you don't intend to use it. Even when I interview a lawyer about a case, or a bureaucrat about a government policy, I get the life story if I have time. I get useful information and ask better questions as a result.

DON'T JOIN -- Be sympathetic in manner, but don't join sides with your interview sources. Don't get sucked in by the embattled congressman who seems so cooperative when he grants you an interview and says, "I don't believe in taking money from those guys." You should say, "that may be true, but I'm asking you whether you took the money, not whether you believe in doing so."

ASK AGAIN -- Sometimes it pays to interview a person two or three times on the same subject. One public official gave me four different and conflicting explanations for the trips he took at taxpayer expense.

REVIEW -- Go back over your notes with people. They will fill in gaps for you, and in doing so give you more information.

INNOVATE -- If an outrageous question comes to mind, ask it, even if it is terribly personal. There are no embarrassing questions, just embarrassing answers. Your chisel-like questions should chip away at all sides of an issue.

DRAIN THEM -- People aren't aware of how much they know. You must lead them through their memory. Visualize your subject as a bucket full of information and empty it.

HONESTY -- Don't pretend to be someone else and don't lie. You can certainly omit information, but the more you can reveal about the nature of your story, the more comfortable and helpful your subject will be.

BE THE DIRECTOR -- A great interview feels like a conversation but moves relentlessly toward the information you need. Keep control, but do so gently.

DON'T BE UNMOVABLE -- You may know what your story is about, but don't get stuck. A great interview will change your story.

PERSONALITY -- Let your personality shine through (if you have a good one). Don't be a blank wall.

OPEN-ENDED QUESTION -- Near the end of an interview, ask the person what else our readers might be interested in. Sometimes people have more than one newspaper-worthy story in them.

CHECK BACK -- After the story runs, call the subject for his or her reaction. You'll get additional stories and tips this way.

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. E-Mail press releases and stories via Internet to ray.normandeau@factory.com